MORE MENTAL HOUSE CLEANING

After Jeff died my life changed in many ways; which of them have anything to do with his absence I don't know; I'm too close to tell.

(News flash to everyone because no one really knows this!)This last year has been tough in a lot of ways and I knew changes would have to be made. I might have to-get a job! A change was made, a chapter in life is over and a different one begun.

Jeff's death put a stopper in the verbal narrative of my life. I have wanted to resume writing on Studio Notes and felt that the first entry needed to be about his death. I felt a need to memorialize him, to honor him, but I couldn't, and so hadn't done anything beyond that point. It was seven months until I could say something. A lot happened in that time, and yet, not much as well.

A week or so after I got back from S.F., and really came out from myself into the world at large, I met, and soon went to work for, (unknown to me when I met him), a maniac, helping him remodel a house. Fortunate timing in the face of a long, lean summer filled with nothing regular in the way of modeling or shows. So I spent the summer building someone else's dream. The oddness of having my life take such a big turn for the worse and then the better, experiencing such loss, then getting work when people are losing their homes and jobs, making good money when the financial world is collapsing, I was humbled and weirded out.

One of the more challenging aspects of my brothers death was inheriting things: his car, a Toyota 4Runner and the nicest machine I've ever owned, the Mac I'm writing this on, several good books and more styling clothes than I have had in years. I hate it, feel nauseous thinking about it, and sometimes like it, and that too makes me feel sick.

The computer Robin let me have is an older Mac and I don't yet have administrator access (getting passwords when someone is on their death bed isn't something I anticipated) but it is a good enough learning curve to be on, and I hold out hope that his files will be a good piece of him to have.

I have been too tied down and busy, as well as dealing with the aforementioned technical challenges, to pay any attention to all but the most glaring outrages of this election. All I want to say is- we can change today, “Si se puede!” Now more than ever, we have to adapt or die, extreme, but true. The work has just begun.